Sorry, Andy, This Is The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

I loves me some football. I love it like a fat kid loves cake. I love it almost as much as I love pro wrestling. Despite what you might hear from Andy Williams, this is the most wonderful time of the year. On the other hand, as anyone who has ever been married or had kids will tell you, nothing can piss you off like something or someone you love. The following are things that have pissed me off about football at one time or another, in no particular order.

Ricky Williams – How hard is it to not smoke pot? You don’t even have to do anything for it. All you have to do is not do something. It’s easy to not do things, I don’t do stuff all day. Plus, at the salary he was getting, it’s like getting paid millions of dollars not to do things. I don’t do stuff for free, there’s no telling what I’d not do for millions of dollars. Plus, every stoner for forty years has been telling the rest of us(ad infinitum, ad nauseum) that pot is non-addictive, so he doesn’t even that half-assed wretched excuse.

Terrell Owens – I put Owens’ name here because he’s the most egregious example that springs to mind, but you can sub in whatever overrated RB, WR, or QB you like. I’d love to buy T.O for he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth. Nobody would have to pay me to not smoke pot then, I’d already have a metric crap-ton of money. In the ‘Wasting the Talents the Good Lord Gave You’ Sweepstakes T.O comes in first. It’s a crying shame he can’t just keep his damn mouth shut and play the game. If there were any justice, he’d be quickly forgotten and the next time he touched a football, it’d be because he was tossing one back and forth with his co-workers at Foot Locker after the mall closes.

Red McCombs – I think Red missed his calling as a blackmailer. He did have balls of solid brass though, I’ll give him that. First he passed off a bunch of perennial choke artists as a football team. Then, despite being able to drop the price of a stadium and not even notice, he told the city that if they didn’t build him a stadium for his Keystone Kops out of their (and by ‘their’ I mean ‘my’) pockets, he’d move the team. The Vikings can’t find the end zone, what makes him think they can find the highway out of town? This tactic has proved so successful that I have since been dunned for a Twins stadium as well. How about y’all build decent teams before you build stadiums?

That Guy Who Was On Fox Sports With Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, And Howie Long; I Think His Name Is Chris Something. – You remember that game they used to play on Sesame Street called “Which One Of These Things Just Doesn’t Belong Here?’ That’s what you’ve got here. This guy was the Potsie of Fox Sports. Plus that stupid grin he had made me want to shove his face into a box of tacks.

Randy Moss – I think he can be summed up in one sentence. ‘I only play when I feel like playing.’ Great job, Randy, way to cornhole every other guy on your team. Dick. And am I alone in thinking the afro is one of the stupidest hairstyles in history, second only to white guys with dreadlocks?

John Madden – Hey, I was as big a fan of Brett Favre as the next guy. But Madden seemed to take it to a whole ‘nother creepy level. He seemed like he was a hair away from having a shrine in his basement and dancing around it Silence of the Lambs style. “Would you pass it to me? I would. I’d pass it to me so hard…” And speaking of No. 4…

Brett Favre – Dude, I loved watching you play. You’re one of the reasons I’ve been a Packers fan for as long as I can remember. But you made the same mistake that the X-Files made: You stayed on one season too long, and by then, it was just kind of embarrassing. When it came to retirement, you should have gone out like Shawn Michaels, and not like Ric Flair.

That One Guy At My Bar Who Wears A Team Jersey And Paints His Face To Sit On A Barstool and Watch Monday Night Football. – That’s just sad. It’s almost as sad as people who dress as wizards or Jedis to go to the movies. Oh, and buddy, just FYI, they can’t hear you through the TV so you don’t need to holler at the top of your lungs. I, on the other hand, am not deaf, so you don’t need to yell ‘CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? at me from half an inch away (or 95.7 deciliters if you’re using metric)

Janet Jackson – It was thanks to her(well, her and Justin Timberlake) I had to listen to a deafening cacophony of back and forth bullshit for six months. The only thing worse than the ‘American Family Defense Organization’ maundering on about ‘the children’ are the people who take the bait. Football isn’t about politics, it’s about hitting some receiver so hard he forgets his own name for a minute. Besides, half time shows are perennially and legendarily lame. The only reason you should be watching the half time show is so that later you can make fun of whatever one-hit wonder making the most of their fifteen minutes shows up or the geriatric rockers they dragged out and propped up.

Bandwagon Fans – If you’ve ever been a fan of a sports team, and I mean a real fan, and not a Facebook “fan”, you know why bandwagon fans are on this list. And if you don’t, you probably are one(and wearing a Patriots jersey). The Beer-Seller – Six bucks? For two dollars more I can go to the grocery store and get six beers. But wait, if I do, I can’t bring them into the stadium. Damn. Guess I’ll have to watch the game in the comfort of my living room where I can lay on the couch and, when the commercials come on, flip it over to oh, I don’t know, all of the other football games that are on. And speaking of commercials…

The Guy Who Pioneered The ‘Clever’ Commercial – Because for every Budweiser frog, there’s a score of ‘WASSSSSUPPP!’s and for that alone he deserves to rot in hell. Plus, it’s given rise to people thinking it’s acceptable to admit that they only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials is like ordering a 25 oz porterhouse for the parsley they put on the side of the plate when they bring it you.

Wild Cards – Bah. What’s next, you going to replace the Lombardi Trophy with participation ribbons that everybody gets in case someone gets their feelings hurt? If you’re not good enough to get into the playoffs based on your regular season record, you don’t deserve to be in them. You shouldn’t get an extra chance based on someone else’s efforts(or lack thereof). This is the adult real world, you don’t get prizes for trying hard, or for almost making it.

The NE Patriots – Everything about the Patriots annoys me. The only thing worse than a Patriots fan is a Raiders fan. Tom Brady is a vacuous black hole of overrated smug and Bill Belichek is a cheater. I’m actually glad they went undefeated right up to the Super Bowl. It made watching Eli Manning come into the Super Bowl a 20 to 1 underdog and embarrass the living hell out of the Patriots one of the best Super Bowls I can remember.

People Who Take Fantasy Football Too Seriously – Remember earlier in the list where I talked about guys who paint their faces to watch televised games at a bar and how it was the jock equivalent of those sad clowns who dress up to go the movies? This is right there with that. Guys who take fantasy football too seriously are right up there with people who talk about their World of Warcraft character like it’s a real person. Dude, it’s a game. It’s even more of a game than regular games because it’s a game about a game. Nobody cares about your pages and pages of stats. Football isn’t about stats, it’s about heart and unpredictability and that anything can happen on any given Sunday. If you want to jerk it to numbers, that’s what fantasy baseball is for.

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